Conflicted

Well I am torn between this world and the next!

I am torn between the life I live now and the one I want to live!

I am torn between being chunky and happy with the junk food and the effort of eating right and being thin!

Where do I start?

I feel like I have a connection with the spiritual world as in spirit guides but I do not know how to tap into that. I feel like that is something that I need to look into but I am still totally tied to this world. I love the earthly things like music, dancing, good friends (which I am seriously missing and lacking), traveling, fast cars, etc.... those of which I am not sure I could enjoy if I took the path of healing and divine guidance. Maybe I need to address the second point....

The life I live now... is an ok one. It's not the greatest because it is met with me having to be held accountable to another. I have been told it is a good thing for me because it keeps me grounded. Maybe they are right, who knows where I would be if I weren't. Granted my child keeps me busy but I truly feel that I would be ok. I think there would be a small period of time where I went totally crazy like a locked up teenager on their first week at college... but eventually I would find my way back. It's not that I do bad things or do things that I shouldn't but I have set a presedence that has crippled my ability to go places and do things without a fight. If I had maintained my identity and my girl outings then it would have been expected but I throw all that away and try so hard to gain trust and committment (that I never seem to get) only from the ones that I choose that have those issues.... that I become screwed in the end. I see it and I understand it but now I am in the position of hurting feelings. Something that I try to avoid. For instance, just meeting a friend to go see a show....without the significant other, would hurt his feelings that I would want to go without him... but what he doesn't understand is that it's not going without him but it is going for me to spend time with my girlfriend... And the part that should justify it all for me is this.... if I were going to meet my friend and we were going to do something that he didn't like to do, then it would be fine. But if it is something that he would want to do, then I am a horrible person for not wanting him there or for doing something without him that he would want to do. We also came to the conclusion last week that we are in a marriage but yet we do not rely on each other for anything. That is kinda sad.

On the other hand, he is a nice guy. We do have a lot of good time together. He has shown me a lot about myself. And it's not a bad thing.

OK - last point....wait, I need to grab some chocolate for all the catholic guilt I feel over the last part.... and that right there is all I need to say about my last point....